9 Signs that you're getting old

Yesterday, life seemed to offer an infinite number of possibilities: your potential knew no bounds; the party was never-ending and your enthusiasm was unquenchable.

Now, you’re not so sure. Barriers have suddenly started appearing where previously there were none. The rich tapestry of life is now a poor photocopy spat out from a crumbling printer.

Congratulations! You’re now approaching middle age! However, how do you know for sure that you’re about to officially leave your youthful salad days behind? Allow Shortlist to offer a few telltale signs, over and above the obvious guff about buying daft sports cars and leering at that pretty 20-something in accounts…

1. You realise you don’t have a book in you

Honestly? Truthfully? The mythical great novel that was just waiting to pour out of you in a gloriously decadent, whiskey-soaked stupor was just that – a myth. Chin up.

2. Real ale suddenly tastes great

It used to be all lager, lager, lager around these parts. But not anymore, champ. The earthy authenticity of real ale, chiming with a newfound appreciation for nature and the great outdoors has arrived. Yes, that means camping (outside of festivals), long walks, your name on the council waiting list for an allotment and a conversion to folk music. Speaking of which…

3. Facial hair covers a multitude of sins

The Karl Marx beard not only accompanies the aforementioned pursuits as surely as a day’s lethargy follows the previous evening’s three – THREE! – pints, but it also has other properties too. Namely, disguising all manner of double chins and jowls. Obviously, that’s not how you explain the sudden cultivation of the hirsute look to work colleagues, but we know otherwise.

4. You’re on first name terms with an osteopath

Ten years ago you didn’t know what the bejesus an osteopath, a chiropractor, a chiropodist and co did, let alone have need for their magical charms. Now they’re on your speed dial.

5. Things aren't running too smoothly down there

Naturally, you tell people that visiting the local McDonalds and/or Starbucks before work is to give yourself the perfect start to the day. In reality, it's a pack of lies. No longer the master of your bodily functions, such establishments are your friend because of the easy availability of their lavatories. Oh, and if you find yourself refraining from drinking fluids after 7pm because you’re worried about spending the night running to and from the bathroom, then, dear friend, all bets are off.

6. Disappearing friends

Ever stop to think what happened to all your friends? It might be scant consolation but they’re probably thinking the same thing. Back in the day, you and your mates were the original last gang in town. Nowadays, you’re lucky to see them once a month. And if you’ve got kids, have you ever considered that the only adults you do see on a regular social footing have little rugrats too? Funny that.

7. The shed is your kingdom

Spend more time in your shed ‘pottering about’ than you do inside? Bought more screwdrivers in the past year than CDs? Have a sudden desire to crack open the old Scalextric (or, even worse, the Hornby model railway your dad gave you) that’s been gathering dust in the loft? Take a long, hard look at yourself.

8. Modern life is rubbish

It goes without saying that you find much that passes for modern living either distasteful or bemusing – what with all that ‘lol’ nonsense, listening to music through a phone and having your hood up indoors. However, if it’s not just the accoutrements of youth that leave you seething, but everyday life –people that try to get on the bus before letting you off, those idiots at FIFA, the banking system - then you are a grumpy middle-aged man and Arthur Smith is your hero.

9. And finally…

Not that we’re encouraging such irresponsible behaviour, but if you can have a relationship with a lady half your age without needing to call a lawyer, then middle age is merely minutes away.